haven't been feeling too good...

exams are okay so far...

other things have been hitting me left and right... and perhaps the largest blow is dealt by myself...

Do I deserve love? Probably not... perhaps that's why God's love is so great... that it's unconditional... even on the basis of my sinfulness... God still loves us... theoretically sound... but I can't feel it anymore...

Many things have happened. I'm the main cause of all these happenings, either in mistakes committed, or in feelings towards people in certain ways, or in analyzing people too much, or in putting myself down too much, or having too much pride, or being too rebellious to change, or being too pissed with many things happening, or being ashamed at my naive and prideful self, and so on and so forth.

Again, I find myself in this mess. My life is in a mess. Priorities haywire. Handle issues haywire. Thoughts haywire. Temptations all over the place. Wanting more and more to give in to temptations... Wanting more and more to rebel... more and more to a life of apathy... a life that is probably even worse than where I am now...

Straddled between two sides, neither can I let go
One to life and one to death, and yet I stumble
The road to life is arduous, the other also laborious
One a life of hope, the other a life of achievement

Wars are not fought to determine who is right, but to determine who is left...
Will I be Left or Will I be Right...?

Ambivalence

am⋅biv⋅a⋅lence
   
–noun
1. uncertainty or fluctuation, esp. when caused by inability to make a choice or by a simultaneous desire to say or do two opposite or conflicting things.

2. Psychology. the coexistence within an individual of positive and negative feelings toward the same person, object, or action, simultaneously drawing him or her in opposite directions.

This is my first blog post since a fairly long time ago. Well, exams are coming up, and things have not been exactly going too well for me recently.

I like it when Ailing laughs at me and consequently mentions softly... "You are so naive"

I used to think I know alot, or my method is most likely right because I have thought through certain things... but I realize that I am wrong in many instances

Applications vs theories ... how to reach a good balance for this tension. We need theories to apply, but if we focus too much on theories, we can't apply.

I understand more and more why certain things occured in certain ways in the past, and being a critique of the way things were led last time, I tried to change this methodology, but alas I am not that right either.

Love fulfills the law. Interesting phrase in the bible. Let no debt remain outstanding except the debt to love one another. Theories are but empty talk, application is tough... very tough...

Oh well... just something I've been pondering about... and will probably try to improve on in the future.

and yeah... the Lord constantly shows me all my flaws... and there are many many many... it's tough... life has been so tough... and it's getting even tougher...

Many thoughts running through my head... but yeah... holidays are coming... so... yup... guess things will improve once I take time off to think through all these issues... God will be busy when I start asking questions... =D (He plays cheat! already written the answers in the bible... haha... okay yes... there are still other ways that He will reveal...)