Challenged

Haha...

sorry for the late update... wanted to update like last week... and dragged until now... okay....

Just a quick update of what I have been doing for the past few days.... Basically, now I have some work to keep me occupied...

1 is doing up the maths syllabus for my church's tuition.

2 is doing up the t shirt design for our church camp =D (glad that it is more or less done already and that I have learnt quite a bit through the whole process)

3 is doing the army syllabus for my boss. I only have one last part to do.


Okay... those are the things that have been keeping me busy for the past few days... Basically on sunday night I started working on it... and have been sleeping late for the past few days... Then, I will wake up like around 9am or 10am to continue doing my research and work... and then head on to camp to finish my army work and sign my clearance... Thank God that I managed to get all the signatures already... including my CO's one...

Okay... yesterday met Ailing ( my church leader) ... It has been quite a long time since I met her to have a talk... And yes... she posted many challenges and things for me to think about... I saw it coming also... as I have already started doing some thinking on my own...

The whole army period had taken its toll on me... I had lost sight of God in the process... I was too easily influenced... and I made many mistakes... lost my testimony... lost.. to sin... Ailing asked me this question... Did I ever really knelt down in front of God... to seek for forgiveness??? I did not reply her... But in my heart... I know that I did not...

I don't know why... How come my heart has hardened towards sin... I know that what I did were wrong... and it was very wrong... but somehow.. I find it very difficult to apologise for my behaviour... I guess again... I was being told of some things that influenced my thinking... My colleague would tell me... "You are still young, you should enjoy life... You should just do things that makes you happy... Have fun... " And whenever I told them I felt I was doing the wrong thing... sometimes they will reply that they don't see anything wrong in it.... Sometimes they cannot understand why we have certain stands.... And... I did not make my stand clear enough... Also, I wasn't strong in my stand...

And through all they have said... I guess subconsciously... I thought my actions could be justified... But alas I did not go back to compare with the real standards that were set for me... God's standards...

Who is God to me? Why do I want to serve God? These are questions that I cannot reply with a firm and immediate answer. I'm seeking... trying to find... hopefully getting answers... as of now.. I've yet to have them... I guess I'm blindly doing things... not seeing the worth behind it.... I can be using my own skills... to do the maths syllabus... to design the camp t shirt... but all these are not important... it's not the product that's important.. it's not what you do that's important.... Ailing told me this... God does not need your "generosity" ... It is very true... Even if I did not do it... someone else would have been there for the job... Because it will be accomplished by God's methods.... so it is not so much of doing that is important... but the heart to serve is what God wants to see...

I've been reading up more on the bible these few days... but still yet to really find something that has a huge impact on my life... I'm still struggling... looking for answers.... I pray that I can find them soon.....

I chanced upon this poem... on desiringgod.org..... and felt that it was very meaningful.

"I’d rather have Jesus than silver or gold;

I’d rather be His than have riches untold;

I’d rather have Jesus than houses or lands;

I’d rather be led by His nail-pierced hand
Than to be the king of a vast domain,

Or be held in sin’s dread sway;

I’d rather have Jesus than anything

This world affords today.

I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause;
I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause;

I’d rather have Jesus than worldwide fame;

I’d rather be true to His holy name.

He’s fairer than lilies of rarest bloom;

He’s sweeter than honey from out the comb;

He’s all that my hungering spirit needs;

I’d rather have Jesus and let Him lead.
(Rhea F. Miller, 1922)

Hopefully one day... I'll be like this poet... and able to live for Him... and that is sufficient to keep me going... Pray for me fellow brothers and sisters in Christ... Thanks....